A write-up on my encounter working as a healthcare worker in times of my patients last breaths.
This season of Lent 2022, I've just been pondering more on the topic of death. Memento Mori - a Latin phrase which means "Remember you must die". I've come to learn of this phrase from a fellow sister in Christ, and ever since then, it has changed my perspective to life as to remembering that my life here on Earth is temporary and that one day, I too will die. Just like the slang, YOLO (You Only Live Once), Memento Mori helps me to acknowledge that life on Earth is precious and that I should do what I can to live well. It may seem morbid that I take account on the topic on death, but how apt is it that I take this special season of Lent, to ponder on death as I accompany Christ on the cross and the true meaning of His death for us.
“Have you ever dealt with dying patients? How has your experience with death been?”
These were questions I get from friends who were curious as to my experiences since I work as a nurse in the hospital ward. I then was inspired to actually recollect my thoughts and experiences and to pen them down.
My first death encounter at work
I remember the first death I encountered. And it wasn't when I was a nursing student, surprisingly I did not had a chance to encounter it. But my first time was when I just joined as a an staff nurse at work. I was taking my patient’s blood pressure and it was quite low already actually (FYI she's on a do-not-resuscitate aka DNR order and was really going to pass on at anytime). Anyway, when I was ending my shift, I couldn't detect the blood pressure. Thought maybe its the machine spoil, So I let the next shift staff take instead since my shift was over. Then to my surprise, the patient had passed on already! And I remember being so shocked (Mind you, I was just at the nurses counter doing my final chartings). Then my colleague told me “Yeah she pass away already, you cant tell? That she wasn't breathing already?”
Oh man, I felt so bad. It was in this moment I realised that I did not pay attention to my patient at all. I was focused on getting the task done and get over my shift. I felt really heavy, as I felt that I didn't do my job properly. Felt super bad. And because of this, I knew I wouldn't want this to happen again. That I let a patient pass away without me even recognising it.
Few weeks later,
I had another very sick elderly grandma, her blood pressure was quite low too. As I was checking her regularly, I noticed that her chest wasn’t rising anymore. I then quickly stimulate some actions to her checking to see if she would respond (like “tickling” of the feet) but there was no reaction at all. I then quickly told my Nurse-in-charge and she told me to push the emergency trolley just to check her heart rhythm and whether she is already flatline, btw she was a DNR order. Now the hard part was that the family was at her bedside, quite a few of them too. My voice was shaking and I had glimpses of panic in my eyes when I couldn't get Ah Ma to respond. I tried to compose myself and keep calm while I do my checking and gently told the family to step aside. They knew it happened. I could also see in their eyes their shock in finding out their mother had passed away right before their eyes and they weren’t aware. Truly enough there was no more heart rhythm and she was flatline. The doctor came shortly to check as well and deliver the official news to the family. This was then also my first time doing after life care aka post-mortem care and it was really interesting. My heart was pounding with a bit of excitement as it was my first time and what I had to do was wipe down the body, take out any needles/devices and then wrap her up in a shroud.
Weeks and months passed, I’ve encountered more deaths, but since I was a new staff then, all I cared about was to smoothly and quickly carry out the task I needed to do when the patient passes on (like admin things). It wasn’t until one encounter that I had, there was then this elderly grandma, who came in very sick, and was going to pass on at any time. Then I saw at her bedside a prayer card of our Blessed Virgin and the daily bread book. It was here when I recognised and realised that
"Hey, I’m catholic too, I know what these are, and I know what these means to the patient."
The elderly grandma was already not able to speak but the daughter had requested for the religious items to be placed near her. In my private time with the patient, like when I was attending to her and cleaning her up, I just whispered to her,
“May God be with you, I will pray for you”.
It made me recognise that; Hey, I can do more to my work, not just by being a nurse, but to live out my faith as well. Especially if I know that the patient was catholic, I could pray more for her. This was just the start of me living out the works of mercy in a more intentional way and to see my nursing work than just a task.
Another Encounter
I had this other elderly patient, who passed on the night before. I came in my morning shift, and was shock to find out she passed away because I was just taking care of her the day before and she still seemed fine. (She was already sick anyway and was on a DNR order). Anyway, the interesting thing here, was later that evening, I went to church for weekday mass and I happen to see her name on the bulletin board for funeral mass and the wake information. I was then surprised to find out she was catholic!! Since I was close to the priest who was going to celebrate the funeral mass, I asked if I could attend the funeral mass and shared that she had been my patient. To my dismay, because of Covid restrictions, I'm not able to attend as it is limited pax and by family invite only.
Nonetheless, a revelation had sparked to me that as nurses, we care for our patients and ensure that their time with us in the hospital and that when they get back home it will be a smooth and speedy recovery, the term is continuity of care for that matter. But the bigger revelation to me, was to take it a step further;
Since I am a Catholic nurse, my care for them doesn't just end when they pass away. My care can continue as I care for them towards their journey to heaven, and that is by praying for their souls and offering masses, or attending their wakes/funeral masses, now that indeed is continuity of care! Continuity of care even as they depart from this earth. This revelation really made an impact to me as I acknowledge that I am Catholic and that faith surely can stir and lead.
My last sharing
Which was actually my most recent experience, was the enlightenment I received when I was praying the Chaplet of 7 Sorrows of Mary. In the 6th and 7th sorrow which was “Mary receives the dead body of Jesus and Jesus is placed in the tomb”.
(Statue: The Pieta by Michelangelo Buonarroti) (Bartolomeo Schedoni: The Deposition)
6th Sorrow: 7th Sorrow:
Mary receives the dead body of Jesus Jesus is laid in the tomb
When I was praying the chaplet and pondering on the sorrows of Mary, I suddenly had goosebumps when it was in the 6th and 7th sorrow, that I realised that I have encountered what those are before. And it's not what many people encounter. As for me, I know and have seen a lifeless body and have wrapped him up in a shroud too. Pondering deeper on this, the quote from St Theresa of Avila came,
That on this earth, this lifeless body that I am cleaning up after, could be the body of Christ. What sorrow did Mary had to endure as she had to clean up and wrap her own precious son. I was placed in her shoes. It made me realise, that every touch I have onto a person should be filled with compassion and love. To see that they are all faces of Christ in every person I meet living or dead.
These are just some of the reflections of experiences I had of them and it's only some of it. Honestly, I’m grateful that I’m grounded in my faith. Because of it, I'm able to have such deep reflections as I look through the encounters the Lord has given to me and turn the unpleasant ones into life giving lessons. In the heavy workload I have in the hospital during this pandemic, I owe it all to my faith that carries me through. Really God’s graces abounds.
Memento Mori.
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